A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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