You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
