I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
