he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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