just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
