If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
