my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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