Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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