Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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