The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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