it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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