What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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