You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
