i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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