I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
