Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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