i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
