I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
