i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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