Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
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