He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I party with great urgency now.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
