You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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