I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
