i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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