I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize
