I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
