I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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