did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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