he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize