i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
