He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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