You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
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