If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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