I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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