We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize