last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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