You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
