Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Randomize