drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
