Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
