Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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