Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
No subtext here. People are naked.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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