Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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