I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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