and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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