I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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