lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
