he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She even gives head with a lisp.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
