i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
you had me at cake vodka
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Randomize
