Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
