My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
