you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
