Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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