Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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