He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize