all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
