Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
